Saturday, April 18, 2009

Political Elimidate: America Picks Her Mate

Here's a cool little piece that my buddy named Tom found...And yes, I know, Rush doesn't have a beard. So what?

America Seeks Restraining Order Against GOP
by Bernard Pliers

America is trying to call it quits with the GOP. She thought there was chemistry when they first met - he had that frat boy swagger and a cocksure attitude. The Democrats had seemed kind of dull, and America was ready for a change.

One of the first things she noticed was that GOP was always getting into fights. He sure hated foreigners, especially the Arabs, even though GOP depended on them for his businesses. And he really hated gays, Mexicans, and liberals.

And then there was the accusations. America realized that GOP was more than a little paranoid. He was always accusing her of being disloyal. Then he started spying on her. She wasn't sure what to make of it, but she kept hearing buzzing and clicking on her phone line.

And GOP was never very good with money. Weren't rich guys supposed to be good with money? But GOP was always broke, and he kept living the good life and sticking America with the bill.

America started finding kinky stuff in GOP's closet. There were some freaky videos of naked Arab guys - it looked like some sort of gay porn version of Oz on HBO. Then there were the stories about GOP having anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms - but how could he be gay? He hated gays! Besides, he seemed so rugged, and he had a great beard.

They tried a trial separation in 2006, and things never got back on track. GOP started looking desperate and pathetic, and America realized just how freaking needy this guy was. That macho bullshit now looked like the posing of a dime store cowboy, and the classy ease of old money now just looked like a lazy sense of entitlement.

When America caught the GOP trying to clean out her bank account, that was the last straw. Apparently one of his frat brothers had gotten a job at AIG, and he talked GOP into some kind of crazy Ponzi scheme. GOP got threatening, and in 2008, she told him that they were done forever. "Oh you'll be back in 2010!" he yelled as she slammed the door behind him.

Then something happened that America never expected - she met a smart professional Black guy that swept her off her feet. Maybe she was on the rebound, maybe she was tired of GOP's aging frat boy bullshit. And he seemed so calm and reasonable. She was worried what her family would say, but Mom said "He's got my vote!"

But now things are getting weird. GOP has been back, trashing her Facebook page. Her friends tell her that he's been saying things like "If I can't have her, then nobody can have her." He's been talking about her new guy and using ethnic slurs. He always claimed to not be a bigot, but that is just so like him. It scares her. And GOP has some of his asshole frat brothers - Glenn with the crazy eyes, and that Texas jackass has supposedly been talking down about burning down America's house just because she broke up with GOP. She knew GOP could be weird, but she never knew he could get this crazy.

Source: Daily Kos

1 comment:

ShamRockNRoll said...

Holy hell, it's been a busy weekend and I just read this in it's entirety finally... freak'n hilarious!!! Nice find.