Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Man-phibian Candidate



According to Wikipedia, newts (pleurodelinae) "have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws."


With his win in the South Carolina Republican primary, Newt Gingrich has put himself back in front of the Republican line-up and has set himself up for an extended battle with Mitt Romney. Yet, many people (myself included) did not expect Newt to still be in the running and completely wrote off his candidacy long ago.

From what has happened I can only conclude that if Ronald Reagan was the "Teflon President," then Newt Gingrich is the "Regenerative Candidate."



Newt has been hit by multiple scandals (Freddie Mac consulting fees, Tiffany's credit line, Greek cruise, the "open marriage" interview, and the list goes on) and he has a good deal of baggage from his past; but everytime a scandal "wounds" Newt's campaign he somehow "regenerates" the viability of his campaign and comes back with all trace of his "wounds" removed.

I am forced to admit that there is something to his ability to keep himself a part of the conversation, and the increasingly real possibility of his becoming the Republican nominee. This ability, however, is most likely being helped by the lackluster Republican field and the unwillingness of many Republicans to support Mitt Romney.

I do not think Gingrich can keep pulling off his amphibian act in a general election, but it is for that reason that I wouldn't mind his being the Republican candidate. If Newt Gingrich does defeat Romney, either it ensures an Obama win (seeing as Gingrich is racist, hypocritical, undecorous, unethical, and in my view unelectable) or he wins, I move to Canada, and Republlicans officially forfeit all rights to their claims of "family values" and their denials of bigotry (what little right they still have to profess these things).

For all of his slippery and unre-mitt-ing (had to be done) efforts, Newt Gingrich is ultimately unelectable; whether or not he can edge out Romney in the primary process.

Why?

1. Because it is impossible to support him when one takes all of his scandals and unethical behavior cumulatively. It is true that "the Japanese fire belly newt can regenerate its eye lens 18 times over a period of 16 years and retain its structural and functional properties," but I think most people want a president who only goes through at most a handful of eye lenses, whether or not he manages to recover (metaphorically speaking of course).

2. Because you have to make this type of argument to support the man (and you'd have to take it seriously):
"Newt Gingrich's three marriages mean he might make a strong president -- really"

Personally, I'm going to cast my vote for President Obama. I'll wait until Senator Mudpuppy runs to vote amphibian.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This gets my vote for "Best Bio-Political Blogpost" of 2012!